When will I ever be good enough?

When will I ever be good enough? the question that swamps my head all day everyday.

I'm not the girl I was a year and a half ago, I'm not ill and I'm certainly not skinny any more and that's just something I have to deal with and I get that I honestly do but my god I really wish I didn't!
I look at myself in the mirror and all I see is a big blob of human flesh and in all honestly it really gets me down. There are so many girls I know with perfect figures and absolutely beautiful and striking faces and there is no way on this earth that I could ever compete with anyone. not at all. not one bit.
I wish I didn't look the way I do, I wish I was a hell of a lot skinnier and my face not so ugly but I can't change the way I look and neither can you. I am who I am and if people are put off by my weight or my looks, well that's just that. I think I've kinda accepted that already. Who wants to be with the big girl?
But you can't let your thoughts and feelings stop you from living and having the best adventures ever, you've just got to take it on the chin and not give a shit. Go out into the world and just have an amazing time because you and I, we are both still human and we still want to have fun. We can't let ourselves be the barrier of walking out into the big wide world. x 

Inner soft side

I say how I feel, I speak out when I don't agree with something, to be quite blunt about this I'd say I say things as it is. Sometimes that isn't such a good thing but others it's great. 

From the outside looking in you'd probably see me as a confident, outgoing, not afraid to speak her mind sort of girl.

But you'd be wrong. 

I cry a hell of a lot, I swear to you I could quite literally cry you a river. 

Although, I'm always out of the house, or if I'm in it I want to get out; whether I'm traveling or having this huge urge to explore and go to all different kinds of places like I always have. I wouldn't call myself a home bird not one bit, not at all, but my god will I miss it when I'm gone. I'll miss everything about it, but the main thing being my parents. 

From the outside looking in you'd probably see me as a very independent person, which I am but you'd have no idea how much I hate being alone sometimes and how much I really like to have one person beside me who I can totally rely on, who will come sit with me and watch shit tv and who overall I can just be with. A bad feature of myself is I always have one person out of everyone, who I just admire so much who I just throw all of my emotions towards but they have no idea because I keep it to myself of course. The point I'm trying to put across here is that no matter how much I say and act like I'm oh so independent, deep down I'm really not I do need people. 

I could go on for so much longer about how different I am from the outside than what I'm like on the inside but that would take me hours and I don't want to bore you all. 

I don't think anyone will ever be able to completely understand me for who i am on the inside because it's a very complicated place and you'd have to bash down layers and layers of walls before you got to the centre. In all honestly I don't think even I completely understand what's inside because there are times when I fell things I didn't even know I could feel. 

I have a soft side, and that's that, I can't change it, I can't help the feelings I have and no matter how independent or strong I may seem my soft side will never fade.