When will I ever be good enough?

When will I ever be good enough? the question that swamps my head all day everyday.

I'm not the girl I was a year and a half ago, I'm not ill and I'm certainly not skinny any more and that's just something I have to deal with and I get that I honestly do but my god I really wish I didn't!
I look at myself in the mirror and all I see is a big blob of human flesh and in all honestly it really gets me down. There are so many girls I know with perfect figures and absolutely beautiful and striking faces and there is no way on this earth that I could ever compete with anyone. not at all. not one bit.
I wish I didn't look the way I do, I wish I was a hell of a lot skinnier and my face not so ugly but I can't change the way I look and neither can you. I am who I am and if people are put off by my weight or my looks, well that's just that. I think I've kinda accepted that already. Who wants to be with the big girl?
But you can't let your thoughts and feelings stop you from living and having the best adventures ever, you've just got to take it on the chin and not give a shit. Go out into the world and just have an amazing time because you and I, we are both still human and we still want to have fun. We can't let ourselves be the barrier of walking out into the big wide world. x 

Inner soft side

I say how I feel, I speak out when I don't agree with something, to be quite blunt about this I'd say I say things as it is. Sometimes that isn't such a good thing but others it's great. 

From the outside looking in you'd probably see me as a confident, outgoing, not afraid to speak her mind sort of girl.

But you'd be wrong. 

I cry a hell of a lot, I swear to you I could quite literally cry you a river. 

Although, I'm always out of the house, or if I'm in it I want to get out; whether I'm traveling or having this huge urge to explore and go to all different kinds of places like I always have. I wouldn't call myself a home bird not one bit, not at all, but my god will I miss it when I'm gone. I'll miss everything about it, but the main thing being my parents. 

From the outside looking in you'd probably see me as a very independent person, which I am but you'd have no idea how much I hate being alone sometimes and how much I really like to have one person beside me who I can totally rely on, who will come sit with me and watch shit tv and who overall I can just be with. A bad feature of myself is I always have one person out of everyone, who I just admire so much who I just throw all of my emotions towards but they have no idea because I keep it to myself of course. The point I'm trying to put across here is that no matter how much I say and act like I'm oh so independent, deep down I'm really not I do need people. 

I could go on for so much longer about how different I am from the outside than what I'm like on the inside but that would take me hours and I don't want to bore you all. 

I don't think anyone will ever be able to completely understand me for who i am on the inside because it's a very complicated place and you'd have to bash down layers and layers of walls before you got to the centre. In all honestly I don't think even I completely understand what's inside because there are times when I fell things I didn't even know I could feel. 

I have a soft side, and that's that, I can't change it, I can't help the feelings I have and no matter how independent or strong I may seem my soft side will never fade.  

Semi colon ;

" on April 16th, 2013 everyone who self harms, is suicidal, depressed, has anxiety, is unhappy, going through a broken heart, just lost a loved one etc draw a semi colon on your wrist. A semi colon represents a sentence the author could have ended but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life"

This campaign means an awful lot to me, my life could have ended because of the the way I abused my body, the way I made my heart rate go down to a minuscule 29 beats per minute. I was in no state to getting better, In fact I was closer to dying.
My life could have ended right then. But it didn't. My body was strong and it didn't want the sentence to end, it wasn't ready, it wanted more time, it had a lot more to say before the sentence came to a close.

My life is so much better now that the sentence has not ended, I've recovered and I'm so much happier for it.

My sentence is still on going and there is so many things I'm going to do and become before I even think of drawing the sentence to a close, because my sentence is going to be long and full of adventure, and there is no way that I'm going to jeopardise that by putting myself through what I did earlier on in my life.
So drawing a semi colon on my wrist represents all of that, what I've been through to get to where I am today and I won't ever forget.

;

What do you see in the mirror?

I don't know about anyone else but when I wake up I will look in the mirror, when I've finished getting changed I look in the mirror, before I leave the house I look in the mirror. Whenever there is a mirror I will look in it. I don't do it in a vain way, I look to see if I look okay, to check my hair isn't in a state,  or I check to see whether there is something on my face or not. But in general I do look in the mirror to see whether I approve of myself.
This needs to stop.
I/you are your/my worst critic. Every time I see that reflection of mine, there is always something I'm not happy with, something I really want to change, like for example my body shape or my face,mostly both. I would like a nice face, I hate the way I look, and my reflection tells me this every time I look at her.
Recently, I've realised that just because I don't like the way I look doesn't mean that other people don't to. I have amazing friends who really don't give a crap about how I look, they love me any ways no matter what (well I bloody hope they do! haha)  

So I've made a deal with myself; of course I can still look in mirrors; it's pretty impossible not to, but when I do look even though I know I won't like what I see, I can't tell myself that, I have to walk passed that god damn mirror and not give a shit. I was happy before I seen my reflection so why the hell can't I be happy after seeing it?!
I would also like you to do the same. Everyone has something they want to change about themselves and it gets highlighted whenever they see their reflections, but when you do look in the mirror I want you to forget about the things you don't like, just like what I'm going to start doing. Everyone has their flaws, even the most 'perfect' people doesn't like at least one thing about themselves. You are unique, you can't change the way you are, so accept it and be happy with it, because even though you might not like what you see, other people will.

Who are you really?

"who are you,
really?

you are not a name
or a height, or a weight
or a gender
you are not an age
and you are not where you
are from

you are your favorite books
and the songs stuck in your head
you are your thoughts
and what you eat for breakfast
on saturday mornings

you are a thousand things
but everyone choses
to see the million things
you are not

you are not
where you are from
you are
where you're going
and I'd like to go there
too"

-M.k

You are what your insides are, not your outsides. Our bodies are just shells in which we live in. they don't make us who we are, but just what we look like. 

You are your favourite things because that's what makes you you and that is how everyone is so different and unique. 

You will never find one person who is the exact same as yourself, you will never find someone who has exactly the same favourites as yourself but that's what's so great. It's amazing to think that you are one of a kind, there is no one else anywhere else that is the same as you. Yes you will find people very similar but never the exact same; and to be honest I think that is so amazing! 

So that is why you should never change who you are and what you like just to suit someone else because in all reality it just isn't possible; and there will be someone out there who likes you just the way you are (please excuse the cheesy line, I just thought it was very appropriate)

You're being stubborn

The thing with being stubborn is sometimes it's a great thing; it shows that you can stand your ground no matter what other people think, you stick to what you believe is right which is of course great. However, it can also be a bad thing because being stubborn can hold you back, make you miss out on great opportunities simply because you are far to stubborn.
Think about this; you're in a situation and yourself and someone are not talking to each other, normally what would happen is someone will give in and talk to the other person again right?
But sometimes that isn't the case; both people can be stubborn. Then what? it's simple, they never talk again.

Now ladies and gentlemen, this problem with these two people could have been sorted but it wasn't because none of them wanted to talk first.
Relationship destroyed. Stubbornness is a BITCH.

There is a lesson to be learned for all the stubborn people who live on this little planet of mostly water, myself included, sometime you have to learn when enough is enough. you can't be stubborn any longer because really, it's just stupid.



 Note to self: Learn when you're being to stubborn and let your walls down a little sometimes, otherwise in reality, you're going to miss out on some great things

The beauty is within

Modern day society TELLS us that the only beauty we have is on the outside.

It couldn't be anymore incorrect.

What makes everyone so beautiful is what is inside of them. However, most of us don't understand this, and we hide behind all of the make-up we use to make ourselves feel a hell of a lot more confident and happier with ourselves. I admit that without make-up I don't feel great, I feel as though I need it on,but I've realised that it doesn't matter if I wear it or not, the people I love are always going to love me back. Hiding behind make-up doesn't make you a prettier person, the most important part of you is not your looks, but what is inside if you.

So here is a picture of myself, my natural self with no make-up on, with all of my imperfect skin and nothing on my face. This is who I am, I can't change it. You can't change yourself, you are born the way you are born, why hide that? I'm not saying that you should never wear make-up again I know I'm not going to stop but I want you all to realise that when you put your make-up on you are not doing it to hide yourself or make yourself look like another person, you are doing it simply to make yourself have that little bit more confidence. People love you for being you, not who you try to be with all of the make-up on.
But remember this "you were born this way" and being purely natural is the most beautiful thing you can ever be.

It's up to fate

fate  

/fāt/

Noun The development of events outside a person's control, regarded as determined by a supernatural power.

Personally, I believe fate is the reason why we meet who we meet, we do what life shoots at us and why we get involved in the things that we get involved with.

Fate is like death. One day we will all die. But we were put on this planet for a reason, and every single individual has a fate about what they do and who they meet. It's like for example only seeing someone once and there is no way that you could ever see them again, but you do. That is fate. These two people were meant to be in each others life's. Or you make a sudden decision to go somewhere or to do something and something happens that complexly turns your world upside down. That is fate.
Fate can not be changed no matter how hard we try to rebel against it, we will always loose. We were meant to do or meet a certain somebody and we will. fate has already mapped out our futures, it's down to us to live it.

What is truth and what is lies

A lie is something that we as humans use quite frequently; whether that's a little white lie or whether it is a lie which could have great meaning.

So how do we know that everything we believe to be true is actually true? The fact is we don't. We believe what we trust.

A lie is something that can be told very easily, it is near by impossible to find anyone who has never in their life told a lie; we have all done it and people have believed what we have said even though it wasn't the truth.
My point is that we we have no idea of how much we know Is actually real, for all we know it could all be lies; but we trust certain things to be true therefor we tell are selfs that what someone has told us is really true.
I always get so into this topic because it is so crazy to think we might not know the truth but what what would life be without a little bit of confusion

No matter who you are, where you come from or what your occupation is you will always find a flaw in yourself, even if that flaw is something so small you still know it's there. Everybody has their own insecurities about the way they are. Even if you look at someone and think they are perfect; they will be insecure about something, no one is 100% happy with themselves. Some people are happier than others but still they are unhappy with something. And who might you say is telling you that you suck and you should be insecure? You. it's all in your head. I know it's so much easier said than done but you have to forget about that little shit inside of your head because the harsh reality is that you are never going to be completely happy with yourself so why not just have an time and forget about what you don't like and focus on the many things that are so amazing about you. Because after all you at least deserve to be happy no matter what you may think.      

A waiting game

It's hard sometimes to see your friends all happy either in a relationship or really liking someone. Of course you're happy for them, well what else can you be?

but sometimes it's hard because you want to feel like that, the way they are feeling, you want to be happy with someone but most importantly, all you really want is just someone to really like you the way you are and the way your friend really likes that other person.

 I know I do. 

But life goes on and I suppose the time will come someday when someone does really like you the way your best friends like that other person. 

For the time being however, I'm getting used to being lonely. I can wait, I just bloody hope someone comes soon because waiting bores the living daylights out of me.    

Inside secrets

"we all carry these things 

inside that no one else can see

they hold us down like anchors 

they drown us out at sea"

We all have things that we keep secret, things that no one knows, even the people that are closest to us have no idea what we are hiding; but it's not like we can just tell them everything. No we can't. 

As much as talking and being honest and open with people is a great thing there are just certain things and thoughts that EVERYONE likes to keep to themselves because in the end everyone needs their privacy and to have within them something that only they themselves know. However, sometimes it isn't the best of things these little things, secrets we have are our anchors we keep them inside and they can destroy us, not everyone I must say but some people get totally destroyed by them and that's where you need to be careful. I'm all for having your own personal secrets but that totally depends as to what they are. Some things are better out than in and could really change your life if you just spoke out about them. So please take into consideration what your inside secret is and if it is something that can be changed, speak out, you will not be judged!   

Insides

" Do you ever wonder whether people would like you more or less if they could see inside of you? I always wondered about that. if people could see me the way I see myself, if they could live in my memories, would anyone, anyone, love me?" - John Green

A person doesn't truly or properly love you until they know you, until they have seen your insides. Your insides are who make you who you are and there is no such thing as love until the insides have been revealed.
We pick who we want to reveal our insides to and only a certain amount of people get the chance to see inside and these are the people who we want to love us because we only accept the love we think we deserve. 
And to the other people who think they know us, they don't. We haven't revealed enough of our insides for them to know us, they only know our outsides and that is all.
However, there are cases in which we let our walls down to show someone inside and they will not like it and they will run, but that just shows you they don't deserve you. You deserve to have someone who likes your inside and your outside you just have to find the right person,

Things change

Many things chance during a lifetime, the biggest ones being people and yourself.
People change, they are not the same person as they were in primary school as they are in high school or as they were in high school as to who they are in college. As people get older they change to fit the circumstances that they are in, they change to fit into the environment that they've been put into, the fact of the matter is that even if you know someone and get on with them that might not be the same case in years to come. Don't get me wrong people can be friends for a lifetime and that's absolutely great but unfortunately in some cases it doesn't work out like that.

Now you, yourself are just like everyone else, you may have your own unique style and have unique qualities but you still change to fit in, you aren't the same person you were 10 years ago and you won't be the same person 10 years form now.
People and yourself change and that's just something we all have to live with because absolutely nothing can stop it from happening.

Doing as you command

Today, whilst looking at a drama book that helped you with your vocal exercises I came across this poem and I believe it to be one of the best things I have ever read.

Bid me to live, and I will live
Thy Protestant to be;
Or bid me love, and I will give
A loving heart to thee

A heart as soft, a heart as kind,
A heart as sound and free
As in the whole world thou canst find,
The heart I'll give to thee

Bid that heart stay, and it will stay
To honour thy decree:
Or bid it languish quite away,
And't shall do so for thee

Bid me to weep, and I will weep
While I have eyes to see:
And having none, yet will I keep
A heart to weep for thee

Bid me despair, and I'll despair
Under that cypress-tree:
Or bid me to die and I will dare
E'en death to die for thee

Thou art my life, my love, my heart,
The very eyes of me:
And hast command of every part
To live and to die for thee

I love this poem because it shows the dedication you have for someone when you do nothing but love them. You do as they command when you love them, you will give it all up just to see them happy.

The man in this poem is obviously so in love with a woman and he's telling her he will do anything that she commands even if that means dying. And to me that is the most beautiful thing.

Memories

What's never failed to make me question why is memories. And the reason I think why is because you can remember a certain thing happening, you can picture it in your head very easily and this memory can stay with you for a lifetime but then after a year or so you can't actually imagine yourself doing what you done in the memory, like it never happened.
I know what I'm saying is making no scene at all but just stick with me.
I'll give you an example, I used to be really close with somebody and I can remember so many things from the times when we were together but when I think back now it seems fake, like I've never done any if the things I can remember but of course I have because I wouldn't be able to remember it otherwise.
So my question is why does this happen?
Why do your memories seem like just a dream? I took some time to actually think about this and the result: your brain and body don't need you to think about the past, it doesn't matter to them any more, you've survived that time period and now there job is to ensure that you survive the present and the future because the past doesn't have that great of an impact to your life anymore so why focus on it when it can not be changed.

Demons hide within your eyes

'Demons' by Imagine dragons is by far one of my favourite songs at the minute.
                  When I love a song I listen to every single word and try to understand exactly what it means however, I've learned that there is so many things that you can pull out of a song. One song can have different meanings for so many different people. A person can interpret a song in one way and another person in a different way.

"When you feel my heat

look into my eyes 

it's where my demons hide 

it's where my demons hide 

don't get too close 

it's dark inside 

it's where my demons hide

it's where my demons hide" 

I love this song so much because of the words on these eight lines. Your eyes are where your demons hide. You could be a kind of person who can hide their emotions and no one would tell how you're feeling but your eyes, your eyes are the narrator of all your stories; they let every single emotion you feel escape into the wild, your emotions are your demons. 

'don't get to close it's dark inside' 

if people are close enough to be able to look into your eyes nothing will stop them from seeing the truth you may be hiding. You can hide your lies very easily with every other part of your body but when it comes down to your eyes, there's nowhere you can hide. 

So don't go try hiding your demons, it's no use your eyes are there gateway. 

Mind.

You can't always feel good about your life or even yourself, no one human could do such a thing.
A mind is a very powerful thing. It can make you think things that send you into a downward spiral, things that may not even be true, your mind evaluates situations that you are in, giving you the directions to what's right and what what's wrong. Sometimes it sends you in the wrong direction, and you begin to over think everything which is never a good thing Believe me!
Your mind then never rests, it keeps you up all night weighing up all the different things that could be happening. But sometimes on the other hand, your mind can be a wonderful thing allowing you to enter a place that is entirely your own. Some say that this is called your imagination. I don't think it is. Without a mind there is no such thing as an imagination you still have to think about things when you are imagining and that is what a mind is for.
So here's a word of advice from myself to you; don't always believe what your mind tells you, sometimes it becomes distorted and sends you in the wrong direction.

Stick with what you know? I think not!

Everywhere you go you always get people telling you to "stick to what you know" however, this is something that I totally disagree with.
There is two sides of my opinion on this certain phrase; I agree that if you know how to do something and you are comfortable with it then yeah definitely keep on doing it. But there is a big world out there and if you only "stick to what you know" how are you supposed to experience new things? try new things? the answer is simple you can't.
 How do you know there is not something out there, something you never even knew existed which you could be really amazing at? the answer is simple you don't.

It's great doing something you know, but there could be something so much better out there for you, all you need to do is go after it, even if it doesn't work out for you at least you have tried, that's all you bloody can do!
get of your bubble/comfort zone and go looking for something new, make it an adventure with the result being finding something new, something that you love so much more than your original something which you knew. 

Is it good to have your future planned out?

I haven't posted much lately so I'd like to apologise. I'm sorry.
It's been a busy time.

I've been thinking about the future lately, about what I want to do, where I want to go and all of the adventures I want to go on. But is it okay to have your whole life planned out?
I know some people who know exactly what they want to do and exactly what time they want to do things. Personally, I don't think that's right,
yes I plan for the future, however, I only plan the things that I have to plan like which university I want to go to, which courses I want to take and which places I want to go to. But never have I thought about who I want to marry and how many kids I want to have or even what job I would like to be involved in.
I've learned that nothing goes according to plan in this life, you can plan something for so long but something happens that just completely destroys everything you have ever planned for and suddenly you are left having to plan something completely new.

So here's just a quick tip; don't plan out your full future because you never know what lies ahead of you and what your future may hold. You don't always live the life you expected yourself to.

What are you waiting for?

What are you waiting for?
the perfect grades, the perfect job maybe even the perfect boyfriend?
Well you need to stop waiting...

Nothing in this life that we live comes to us free willingly we have to get up of those arses of ours and work to get what we want. How do you expect to get something if you haven't even worked for it?
 This world is not fair nor is it kind but that's just something every single human being living on this planet has to deal with!

Are you waiting for your dreams to come true?
"if you can dream it, you can do it" so many people have dreams. Dreams about their future, dreams about what they would like to achieve from life, and these dreams are very easy to accomplished, we just have to do what ever it takes to make those dreams a reality. And this is when YOU have to make it happen. Only you can chase after your dreams and make them no longer a dream but your reality. There is no time for waiting when it's your dreams you are chasing after. So go, get them right now, do one thing that will make your dream one step closer to your reality. Go on do it right now.


P.s stop waiting, go out and do it.

The red thread of fate

"The red thread of fate is an East Asian belief originating from Chinese legend and is also used in Japanese legend. According to this myth, the gods tie an invisible red string around the ankles of those that are destined to meet each other in a certain situation or help each other in a certain way. Often, in Japanese culture, it is thought to be tied around the little finger. The two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break."


I've seen this myth so many times in the past couple of years. I'll see pictures and pieces of texts about it and I'll instantly be smiling.
I love the whole idea of this myth it's so lovely. I don't know how the whole idea of a string attaching two people came about but it's absolutely beautiful. However, I'm left to wonder if it's true? Can there really be an invisible string connecting two people? Sounds pretty unlikely doesn't it? And then you're left to wonder if there is a string, who are you attached to?

A simple smile

I know this may sound silly because you get smiled at everyday by a lot of different people but being smiled at today by that person just made me so happy, to be honest it really made my day.

A smile is a lovely thing, it doesn't cost you anything to smile or even smile back at someone. For all you know you, yourself could be making someone so happy just because you gave them a little smile or just looked at them in a nice way.

So smile away my friends, make someone's day.

The only people that love you are the people who have to.

Lately, I've been studying the novel Great Expectations ( exciting I know) On the surroundings and the characters in this novel. During the annotating process of the novel on the first chapter one thing that came up was "the only people that love you are the people who have to" there was just something about this quotation that I really loved and agreed with.

You're family love you unconditionally because they have to, you are a part of them they can't help but love you with everything they have.
 It's like for example when you ask your mam if you look okay and she tells you you are the most beautiful thing she has ever seen when in reality you look like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards a couple of times. Or when your nana asks if you have a boyfriend yet and you always reply with a no, she looks shocked and tuts and tells you boys must like you, they are just to scared to say it to you! and all you can do is just stare at her in disbelief because you know no one does like you. But of course she will do that, and say all them things because she is your family and in her eyes you will always look beautiful and you can never do no wrong.

It's the same situation with your friends. Some people, like myself, consider my friends my family. The people that would risk it all just to make sure I'm okay, and I'm like that towards them. I can't help but love them unconditionally. My head doesn't tell me I have to love them. My heart forces me to.

The only people who love you are the people Who have to. 

   

Shannon's playlist

I've seen a few posts that consist of the albums/songs that people love or would recommend, so I thought I'd do my own.
My music taste can vary quite dramatically, from Elvis, Johnny Cash, to Kasabian and Ed Sheeran. Personally, I love music that I can relate to, songs that sound so familiar to what's going on in your life right now. I'm not saying that every song I listen to is like that, it's just I prefer them to have a meaning.
I'll try to keep this post quite small, but I'm not promising anything, I do love my music.

so here we go, the songs that I love to listen to (in no particular order)

                1. Dude looks like a lady- Aerosmith from the album best of Aerosmith devil's got a new disguise. 

2.  Dancing shoes - the artic monkeys from the album whatever people say 

                        3.  Patterns- band of skulls from the album baby darling doll face honey 

                     

                            4. Everything and only love- Ben Howard from the album every kingdom 

 

5. Run right back and lonely boy- the black keys from the album El camino 

6. Born to run, dancing in the dark and born in the U.S.A- Bruce Springsteen 

7.  Green eyes- Coldplay  from the album a rush of blood to the head 

8.  Youth- daughter 

9.  Kiss me and U.N.I- Ed Sheeran from the album + 

10. Jail house rock, blue suede shoes, King creole and G.I  blues - Elvis Presley 

11.  when the sun goes down and when it comes to love- Fleetwood mac from the album behind the mask 

12. You've got the love- Florence and the machine 

Never let me go, breaking down, and shake it out from the album ceremonials

13. Take me out Franz ferdinand 

 

14.  Going underground, beat surrender, and a town called Malice - The Jam 

15. 

velociraptor, switch-blade smiles and re-wired- kasabian from the album velociraptor 

16. runaways, flesh and bone, here with me- the killers from the album battle born 

I'm not even half way there yet I have so many more other songs that I love, but that is to be continued... 

until then keep reading and sometime soon you will get the rest.