When will I ever be good enough?

When will I ever be good enough? the question that swamps my head all day everyday.

I'm not the girl I was a year and a half ago, I'm not ill and I'm certainly not skinny any more and that's just something I have to deal with and I get that I honestly do but my god I really wish I didn't!
I look at myself in the mirror and all I see is a big blob of human flesh and in all honestly it really gets me down. There are so many girls I know with perfect figures and absolutely beautiful and striking faces and there is no way on this earth that I could ever compete with anyone. not at all. not one bit.
I wish I didn't look the way I do, I wish I was a hell of a lot skinnier and my face not so ugly but I can't change the way I look and neither can you. I am who I am and if people are put off by my weight or my looks, well that's just that. I think I've kinda accepted that already. Who wants to be with the big girl?
But you can't let your thoughts and feelings stop you from living and having the best adventures ever, you've just got to take it on the chin and not give a shit. Go out into the world and just have an amazing time because you and I, we are both still human and we still want to have fun. We can't let ourselves be the barrier of walking out into the big wide world. x 

Inner soft side

I say how I feel, I speak out when I don't agree with something, to be quite blunt about this I'd say I say things as it is. Sometimes that isn't such a good thing but others it's great. 

From the outside looking in you'd probably see me as a confident, outgoing, not afraid to speak her mind sort of girl.

But you'd be wrong. 

I cry a hell of a lot, I swear to you I could quite literally cry you a river. 

Although, I'm always out of the house, or if I'm in it I want to get out; whether I'm traveling or having this huge urge to explore and go to all different kinds of places like I always have. I wouldn't call myself a home bird not one bit, not at all, but my god will I miss it when I'm gone. I'll miss everything about it, but the main thing being my parents. 

From the outside looking in you'd probably see me as a very independent person, which I am but you'd have no idea how much I hate being alone sometimes and how much I really like to have one person beside me who I can totally rely on, who will come sit with me and watch shit tv and who overall I can just be with. A bad feature of myself is I always have one person out of everyone, who I just admire so much who I just throw all of my emotions towards but they have no idea because I keep it to myself of course. The point I'm trying to put across here is that no matter how much I say and act like I'm oh so independent, deep down I'm really not I do need people. 

I could go on for so much longer about how different I am from the outside than what I'm like on the inside but that would take me hours and I don't want to bore you all. 

I don't think anyone will ever be able to completely understand me for who i am on the inside because it's a very complicated place and you'd have to bash down layers and layers of walls before you got to the centre. In all honestly I don't think even I completely understand what's inside because there are times when I fell things I didn't even know I could feel. 

I have a soft side, and that's that, I can't change it, I can't help the feelings I have and no matter how independent or strong I may seem my soft side will never fade.  

Semi colon ;

" on April 16th, 2013 everyone who self harms, is suicidal, depressed, has anxiety, is unhappy, going through a broken heart, just lost a loved one etc draw a semi colon on your wrist. A semi colon represents a sentence the author could have ended but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life"

This campaign means an awful lot to me, my life could have ended because of the the way I abused my body, the way I made my heart rate go down to a minuscule 29 beats per minute. I was in no state to getting better, In fact I was closer to dying.
My life could have ended right then. But it didn't. My body was strong and it didn't want the sentence to end, it wasn't ready, it wanted more time, it had a lot more to say before the sentence came to a close.

My life is so much better now that the sentence has not ended, I've recovered and I'm so much happier for it.

My sentence is still on going and there is so many things I'm going to do and become before I even think of drawing the sentence to a close, because my sentence is going to be long and full of adventure, and there is no way that I'm going to jeopardise that by putting myself through what I did earlier on in my life.
So drawing a semi colon on my wrist represents all of that, what I've been through to get to where I am today and I won't ever forget.

;

What do you see in the mirror?

I don't know about anyone else but when I wake up I will look in the mirror, when I've finished getting changed I look in the mirror, before I leave the house I look in the mirror. Whenever there is a mirror I will look in it. I don't do it in a vain way, I look to see if I look okay, to check my hair isn't in a state,  or I check to see whether there is something on my face or not. But in general I do look in the mirror to see whether I approve of myself.
This needs to stop.
I/you are your/my worst critic. Every time I see that reflection of mine, there is always something I'm not happy with, something I really want to change, like for example my body shape or my face,mostly both. I would like a nice face, I hate the way I look, and my reflection tells me this every time I look at her.
Recently, I've realised that just because I don't like the way I look doesn't mean that other people don't to. I have amazing friends who really don't give a crap about how I look, they love me any ways no matter what (well I bloody hope they do! haha)  

So I've made a deal with myself; of course I can still look in mirrors; it's pretty impossible not to, but when I do look even though I know I won't like what I see, I can't tell myself that, I have to walk passed that god damn mirror and not give a shit. I was happy before I seen my reflection so why the hell can't I be happy after seeing it?!
I would also like you to do the same. Everyone has something they want to change about themselves and it gets highlighted whenever they see their reflections, but when you do look in the mirror I want you to forget about the things you don't like, just like what I'm going to start doing. Everyone has their flaws, even the most 'perfect' people doesn't like at least one thing about themselves. You are unique, you can't change the way you are, so accept it and be happy with it, because even though you might not like what you see, other people will.

Who are you really?

"who are you,
really?

you are not a name
or a height, or a weight
or a gender
you are not an age
and you are not where you
are from

you are your favorite books
and the songs stuck in your head
you are your thoughts
and what you eat for breakfast
on saturday mornings

you are a thousand things
but everyone choses
to see the million things
you are not

you are not
where you are from
you are
where you're going
and I'd like to go there
too"

-M.k

You are what your insides are, not your outsides. Our bodies are just shells in which we live in. they don't make us who we are, but just what we look like. 

You are your favourite things because that's what makes you you and that is how everyone is so different and unique. 

You will never find one person who is the exact same as yourself, you will never find someone who has exactly the same favourites as yourself but that's what's so great. It's amazing to think that you are one of a kind, there is no one else anywhere else that is the same as you. Yes you will find people very similar but never the exact same; and to be honest I think that is so amazing! 

So that is why you should never change who you are and what you like just to suit someone else because in all reality it just isn't possible; and there will be someone out there who likes you just the way you are (please excuse the cheesy line, I just thought it was very appropriate)

You're being stubborn

The thing with being stubborn is sometimes it's a great thing; it shows that you can stand your ground no matter what other people think, you stick to what you believe is right which is of course great. However, it can also be a bad thing because being stubborn can hold you back, make you miss out on great opportunities simply because you are far to stubborn.
Think about this; you're in a situation and yourself and someone are not talking to each other, normally what would happen is someone will give in and talk to the other person again right?
But sometimes that isn't the case; both people can be stubborn. Then what? it's simple, they never talk again.

Now ladies and gentlemen, this problem with these two people could have been sorted but it wasn't because none of them wanted to talk first.
Relationship destroyed. Stubbornness is a BITCH.

There is a lesson to be learned for all the stubborn people who live on this little planet of mostly water, myself included, sometime you have to learn when enough is enough. you can't be stubborn any longer because really, it's just stupid.



 Note to self: Learn when you're being to stubborn and let your walls down a little sometimes, otherwise in reality, you're going to miss out on some great things

The beauty is within

Modern day society TELLS us that the only beauty we have is on the outside.

It couldn't be anymore incorrect.

What makes everyone so beautiful is what is inside of them. However, most of us don't understand this, and we hide behind all of the make-up we use to make ourselves feel a hell of a lot more confident and happier with ourselves. I admit that without make-up I don't feel great, I feel as though I need it on,but I've realised that it doesn't matter if I wear it or not, the people I love are always going to love me back. Hiding behind make-up doesn't make you a prettier person, the most important part of you is not your looks, but what is inside if you.

So here is a picture of myself, my natural self with no make-up on, with all of my imperfect skin and nothing on my face. This is who I am, I can't change it. You can't change yourself, you are born the way you are born, why hide that? I'm not saying that you should never wear make-up again I know I'm not going to stop but I want you all to realise that when you put your make-up on you are not doing it to hide yourself or make yourself look like another person, you are doing it simply to make yourself have that little bit more confidence. People love you for being you, not who you try to be with all of the make-up on.
But remember this "you were born this way" and being purely natural is the most beautiful thing you can ever be.